


it's you, it's you, it's all for you.

by legalmurder



Category: ONER, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, lapslock, this is the first work in the yangyue tag wow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 08:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15311163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legalmurder/pseuds/legalmurder
Summary: some bad habits stay, no matter how much you try to scab them out of your very being.





	it's you, it's you, it's all for you.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm going to write buyang the next time to make up for their lack of interaction irl

it hadn’t been this cloudy in beijing for a while. bu fan had longed for it to rain, atleast a bit, but it seemed like he had almost forgotten what it felt like to have the sun warm against his hands and face as he looked up at the sky and searched his pockets. he missed when he could see the colours in the sky, from an orange to a dim purple to a bright blue in the afternoons. skygazing, minghui called it. bu fan decided to stop that train of thought there.  
  
old habits, he thought, while lighting his cigarette discreetly, were the hardest to break. you hardly realise when you fall back into the same pattern, like your body and mind were hard wired to act a certain way. when he exhaled, his smoke blended into the grey of the clouds above him. fading away into nothingness. sometimes, however, he would give in: he wanted the numbing grey smoke filling up his lungs, helping him breathe easier. he wanted to think of what had happened the past year. he wanted to wonder what yue minghui would be up to, right then as he stood there on the sidewalk.  
  
  
april last year.  
spring brought bu fan to the friendly server at the coffee shop he frequented. spring, with all its wildflowers growing on the cracks between the sidewalk and the smell of sunshine in the air, brought him to yue minghui. he smiled when he talked, even if he was saying something as inconsequential as “two espresso shots, the usual right?” or “it’s your birthday today? this calls for extra cake! don’t worry, it’s on me” and right there, bu fan resolved that no human being should look that happy to be buying a mere stranger a slice of cake. it was like he couldn’t stand it, almost, the way minghui seemed to smile over at him like he was sharing a secret with him. he realized, after the fifth time he entered the cafe that month, that it wasn’t for the vanilla latte he was going there for anymore. it was the way minghui’s snaggletooth seemed to glint everytime he laughed and the way he would steal glances at bu fan every now and then.  
  
they exchanged numbers that very day, for bu fan was nothing if not straightforward. they held pinkies after their first date, and bu fan would visit minghui between his work shifts. they would kiss in the secluded “staff only” area and talk about their dreams and how the smell of rain took them right back to their childhoods. bu fan would make a point to jump on all the puddles on the sidewalk, while minghui just stood by and shook his head at how childlike he was.  
  
he stepped forward and kissed him anyway while the people around them gasped in disgust.  
  
the first cold winds of the year came around. everyone huddled up in their padded jackets and stayed inside. minghui had taken to spending all his time at bu fan’s place when he was not at work. they fell into a routine that bu fan found comfort in. he found comfort in minghui’s soft hands and the wrinkles around minghui’s eyes that he hated but bu fan loved. they made love on every piece of bu fan’s furniture. bu fan hadn’t smoked a single cigarette since may.  
  
bu fan was late from work on a dark night, late in october. he felt infinitely guilty when he saw the little clock that minghui had gifted him on his desk. half past nine. he had promised minghui he would take him home from work. he rushed to get outside, knocking most things over in his clumsy hurry. he drove to the cafe he was now too familiar with, owing to the hours he had spent there, waiting for minghui’s shift to end. he pushed open the door, welcoming the warmth of the little place for a bit before noticing they weren’t alone- like they should have been. minghui’s shift ended at nine.  
  
minghui seemed to be having an animated conversation with this well-dressed stranger whose laughter sounded like silk and who looked down at his own hands too much. graceful, was the first word that came into bu fan’s mind.  
  
“fanfan! meet zhenyang, i just met him today.” they shook hands, bu fan giving him an appraising look. zhenyang’s eyes were steely cold. bu fan felt ten degrees colder than when he stepped in here.  
  
“i’m li zhenyang. let’s meet again.” he said to minghui, his eyes immediately shaping into crescents as he turned his eyes away from bu fan’s.  
  
bu fan and minghui stepped onto the sidewalk, the air growing colder in the dark. they held hands and minghui chatted about his day, while bu fan buried his face into his own coat, burrowing in for some warmth. minghui’s voice ran out into the night, almost too loud and too happy. bu fan knew then that he would always love minghui no matter what.  
  
that’s why, when bu fan happened to come home early from work to find his apartment door ajar and heard minghui moaning inside, he wasn’t angry. he wasn’t angry when he heard that same silky laughter he heard in late october. he wasn’t crushed when he heard minghui breathe out a broken “fanfan... yangyang-“ he merely turned around, closed the door, and left. he left to go back to the same sidewalk in front of the cafe, the ground crunching under his shoes like frost.  
  
that’s why winter nights would always be the worst.  
  
he went back to his apartment two hours later, when he was sure zhenyang would have left. minghui was already asleep. he curled up beside him, fully dressed in his work clothes, and kissed his bare shoulder.  
  
bu fan never let minghui know, except for when they had sex the week after that- when bu fan panted and buried his face into the curve of minghui’s neck, as he thrust inside him. he punctuated each of his thrusts with a low sob and a “why- wasn’t i- enough-“ muttered into minghui’s skin as if somehow, someone could answer him. if only someone could just answer him, just once. minghui was too far gone to comprehend anything, just holding on barely enough to draw him in closer.  
  
“i love you.” minghui muttered sleepily and bu fan cleaned them up, his hands shaking as he did so.  
  
bu fan cried for the first time that night.  
  
when bu fan looks up at the sky now, everything is the same. the wildflowers still struggle to grow between the cracks in the sidewalk, and the air smelled the same. did minghui work at the same cafe? bu fan didn’t know anymore. perhaps that was for the best. he took another long drag of his cigarette and felt raindrops on his arms. the seasons went by the same too, slowly but surely.  
  
another exhale. bu fan had never been grateful for the passage of time before.

**Author's Note:**

> yue minghui still loves bu fan, in case you didn't catch that.


End file.
